SoSo 百貨某處,行銷菜鳥正在向行銷大頭報告。                             
                                                                         
 ★....................★....................★                              
                                                                     
                                                                          
 菜鳥:老大,本公司一年一度最盛大的週年慶,特惠DM 我已經擬好了。          
                                                                         
                                                                          
 大頭:他媽的!你搞這個滿千送百做什麼?!滿一千我們就送他一百,那不是特惠
 價再打9 折,我們還撈什麼?                                                 
                                                                          
                                                                          
 菜鳥:是,老大,我馬上改成滿五千送五百。                                
                                                                         
                                                                         
 大頭:這就對啦,大部分客人都買不到五千塊,這樣五百塊就省下來啦。要是有人
 為了區區五百塊硬湊到五千塊,讓我們營業額飆高四千五,那就更好啦。營業額飆越
 高,我們的年終也飆越高的嘛!                                              
                                                                         
                                                                         
 唉呀他媽的,你這五百送的是現金呀!你這菜鳥,改禮券!改禮券!            
                                                                         
                                                                         
 菜鳥:老大,禮券跟現金還不都一樣。                                      
                                                                         
                                                                         
 大頭:說你是菜鳥就是菜鳥!禮券上面用最小號的字註明一下,買化妝品買內衣不
 能使用,只可以買衣服!現在衣服還沒下折扣是不是?!他們拿禮券買貴聳聳的衣服
 我們還可以再撈一筆。別忘了再用小小小小的字給我註明,禮券兩週內沒用完自動失
 效。要是下個月女裝打折出清,讓我看見客人拿禮券買,你就給我回家吃飼料!     
                                                                       
                                                                          
 ★....................★....................★                              
                                                                      
                                                                          
 菜鳥:老大,DM 第2 版改好了。                                            
                                                                        
                                                                          
 大頭:限量!特惠組前面通通給我加註『限量』!                            
                                                                         
                                                                         
 菜鳥:今年景氣差,東西根本賣不出去,廠商還有無限量,被拆穿不好吧?      
                                                                         
                                                                         
 大頭:無限量你個頭!沒有限量消費者會緊張嗎?會覺得物以稀為貴嗎?管他限量
 100個,還是限量1                                                          
 萬個,反正通通加『限量』!限量100 個,到時候賣1000 個,狗仔隊會站在收銀 
 台旁邊數嗎?人這麼多他怎麼數?你這隻菜鳥!                                
                                                                         
                                                                         
 還有還有,這特惠組總共就一樣明星商品,能看嗎?給我加到十樣!            
                                                                         
                                                                         
 菜鳥:加到十樣明星商品,廠商成本太大,恐怕不願意啦。                    
                                                                         
                                                                         
 大頭:誰叫你每樣都加明星商品,你不會叫廠商拿一些賣不出去的,再加幾個小試
 用品湊數嗎? 1.5g 的小蜜粉也可以呀,DM                                    
 照片拍大一點,客人哪看得出來。特惠組就是要十樣!                        
                                                                         
 還有,獨家!獨家!你特惠組前面不會加『獨家』呀?!                      
                                                                         
                                                                         
 菜鳥:可是蝴蝶百貨也有一模一樣的特惠組呀。                              
                                                                         
                                                                         
 大頭:你不會叫廠商把其中一樣換掉呀,然後全部十樣的順序更動一下,然後組合
 名稱再換一下,這樣不叫獨家叫什麼?!                                       
                                                                         
 ★....................★....................★                              
                                                                         
                                                                          
 菜鳥:老大,DM 第N 版改好了。                                           
                                                                         
                                                                         
 大頭:拆成兩波!拆成兩波!週年慶第一波有滿額贈,第二波有滿額禮!        
                                                                         
                                                                         
 菜鳥:老大,滿額贈跟滿額禮有什麼不一樣?                                
                                                                         
                                                                         
 大頭:管他一不一樣,讓客人糊塗,讓客人緊張,讓客人以為優惠隨時要結束,讓
 客人感覺現在不買下禮拜就變貴,這樣就對了!不然你給我說,以前週年慶只有10  
 天,後來變成兩個禮拜,現在變成兩個月,你想怎麼賣?!大週年裡頭再搞幾個小週
 年,週週相連,業績才會到天邊嘛!                                          
                                                                         
                                                                         
 菜鳥:老大,週年慶後天就開始了,再改下去恐怕來不及印給顧客了。          
                                                                         
                                                                         
 大頭:急你個頭!急著印給顧客幹嘛?給顧客充足的時間,拿去跟蝴蝶百貨比較做
 功課是嗎?給顧客po                                                        
 到網路上,讓美麗花百貨參考是嗎?讓美麗花百貨拿著我們的特惠資料,要廠商給
 更多優惠是嗎?你這隻菜鳥!還不趕快去蒐集蝴蝶、美麗花跟山岳的DM 來參考,還 
 站在這裡幹什麼?!                                                        
                                                                         
                                                                         
 菜鳥就是菜鳥!難怪一年到頭辦促銷,一年到頭打折扣,東西還是賣不好。快被你
 這隻菜鳥氣死了!去!幫我叫馬殺雞來!馬殺雞,等等偶~~